A Saturday Making Jam

I am in Sprouts on Thursday night and run into a deal on Strawberries, Raspberries, and Blueberries.  I have been cleaning all day, all of my errands are done and I think to myself, "let's do something we haven't done on Saturday."  Making Jam it was.  Made plain strawberry, plain raspberry and a mixture of strawberry, raspberry and blueberries. (I love blueberries but was a little unsure on how they would turn out in a jam)  So on the Internet I go.  I find a recipe that looked like I could do it and ran to Walmart for a few of the supplies.  Turns out....  making jam is way easy, way more yummy than Smuckers and the girls and I had a lot of fun doing it.   Michaela even found this little guy, yes he is a little snail, in the raspberries.  He found a home in a mason jar with some grass and lettuce leaves.  We ended up making homemade bread and filling ourselves until we thought we were going to burst.  I think salsa is calling my name next:) 

My Handful:)

My girl that loves pink.  We have a little bit of everything in our house.  And this is the one that keeps me on my toes, makes me scratch my head, laugh and worry all rolled into one.  If she wasn't so darn cute it would not be half as much fun as it is.  So Bailey Bug is all about the accessories.  Pink sequence vans with the headband to match.  I love this girl!  My hope is to contain her through her teen years.......  Katy Perry, Lady GaGa, Taylor Swift loves them all.  So much darn FUN!

Finding a new normal....

As I send everyone off to school this year, I realize I am in uncharted territory. I have a new normal to find that seems to be somewhat allusive at times. I am trying really hard to take things day by day but because I am a creature of habit and really like stability I am finding things overwhelming at times. If I look at everything one at a time I am ok, but when looking at the whole picture, man a little scary. So the kids started school here not long ago. Ariel went into 8th grade. Michaela is in 4th grade. The twins are in 2nd grade. It seems like not so very long ago they were each just starting preschool. They are all so different but good kids none the less. I am so proud of the way they take care of each other. Especially looking after Ariel and being a friend to her. I hope that my decisions teach them that sometimes people have to make hard choices and that each one of us is worthy of happiness and respect. I took for granted so much. I thought Joe knew how much I loved him. Certainly didn't say it enough but "assumed" we were both just busy with jobs and kids and life in general. Never in a million years would have guessed that we would get so far off track and that I could be replaced so easily. I have certainly learned that one has to make sure the most important relationships get the time and attention they so deserve. So my fork in the road is taking me into uncharted territory. I am finding I can finally relax and trust that nothing is going to get thrown my way I can't handle. So on to my new normal. I certainly am not alone, though I am just one.

Be Not Afraid of the hedger....

Oh, I am a silly, silly girl. It is not the hedger to be afraid of it is the clean up after using the hedger that one should be afraid of. So I have before and after pictures here. What I should have taken a picture of was the mess after using the hedger that I had to clean up and I looked at and went ohhhhhh:( The hedger it's self was kinda FUN! I have just got to come up with a fun way to clean up the mess. Definitely need to get Easton involved the next time:) New skill achieved feels good.

Lots of new stuff my way.....

Okay, so I could have worked an extra shift today. Probably the smart thing to do as it's just me now and you never know when an extra shift won't be there but instead I decided to take a mental health day and get a few things done around the house. There is always something to be done around a 5000 sq foot home and 1/2 acre yard but as of late I have stuck my head in the sand and let a few things go. Time to face reality though, as I have decided that for at the the time being it is worth staying over, the backyard needs to be cleaned up a bit and I am going to have to learn a few new skills. When Joe moved out I needed to make a few decisions. I can either work more outside of the house to pay for things like a housekeeper and landscaper or I can let those people go and work more around my home instead. So I compromised a little. I kept the landscaper for the front yard, only. Kind of selfish but my thinking was if the yard looked good from the street at least, if I have a bad week, I don't have the homeowners association causing problems for me. The house cleaners actually wasn't a hard choice. Being a perfectionist sometimes has downfalls. One, I am extremely picking about cleaning and if I am paying you to clean and I have to come redo things, frustrating isn't even the word to describe. So a organizing I have been. Today is the big day though to face the back yard. It has been so hot I literally have just closed the shutters to the back and closed my eyes to the grass and weeds. Oh, the pool guy wasn't a choice that I could face to let go. I can not get the whole "keep your pool blue thing" so he must stay and if I get lucky maybe next year I can tackle that with a book or something:) SO today is lesson number one. Tamara don't be afraid of the hedger. I look at it as heavy machinery:( It has taken me 10 years to get things just the way I love it (the backyard that is). Green, big trees, color.... It really is my wildest dream. I love to go out and putz in the yard, float in the pool and just relax. BUT I plant, play, water and pay someone to cut, trim and maintain. You guessed it my job now. I be not afraid though...... A cutting I shall go today....

Gonna be strong....

I know my heart will never be the same/ But I'm telling myself I'll be okay/ Even on my weakest days/ I get a little bit stronger.... Oh man strong words to live by. They say divorce is only second to death of a spouse. I think they are right on the money. The life you had is gone. The partner you thought you had is gone and on both sides there is so much hurt it is hard to face most days. It's one thing to say, "I just want the kids to be safe and happy." AND it is quite the other to negotiate through the hurt and feelings to make it happen. UGHHHH. I wish we had the gift of hindsight in the beforehand. I know full of contradictions. That seems to be me right now. Sad that things are the way the are but wouldn't do one thing at this point to change a darn thing. I guess just one of those things that you have to work through and come to a point of acceptance. Doesn't matter who is at fault or who did what just need to come to final closure and move forward. Just sucks!

Secrets

Ok- So I know we all have them. I have found out the hard way that when your other half is keeping a lot of them and you don't know what they are exactly, and you get this little nervous twitch in your stomach it probably isn't anything good. So it's time for me to let some of my secrets go. The last couple of years have been well just darn painful. I think I have grown from them. I hope I have learned from them because I don't plan to repeat the last couple of years in the future. So I guess the biggest secret that I have is that Joe has moved out and we will no longer be married. We have 4 children that need to be raised so we are going to try and do that in a health way but separately. I never thought in a million years this would be me at 40 but here I am and it's time to start taking steps on my own. And to be quite honest I completely and totally believed that my marriage would be the one that worked. BUT when you find yourself in a relationship that has a third party involved you either turn the other cheek and learn to deal or you decide that you are worth far more than the value that has been placed on you. I am really surprised by how I have lived the last couple of years. Lets just say that you don't always react the you say you would when you find yourself in this position. Days keep passing though and life goes on and I firmly believe that we all make our own destine and mine just happens to be different than where I started. I certainly don't want to look back at my life and be the bitter old women that could never forgive, or spent my days angry and unhappy because of someone else's choices that I just couldn't live with. So I am instead going to look at all the wonderful things in my life. I have 4 beautiful kids, a beautiful home, a job I love, good friends that are taking care of me and picking me up when I stumble and a belief that even if I never find my prince life is good and I am going to be just fine:) So that is my secret of the day. Far easier to write about it at this point than talk about it. So as the story goes, "I get a little bit stronger every day". Oh and my unsolicited advice of the day just happens to be... If you have those secrets they tend to eat you up inside and after awhile tear you down and either side of the secret isn't a healthy one so deal with them. They don't go a way just because you keep it a "secret".